Standing Up to the Bullies (With Kindness)

In the course of making a living, it's easy to compromise our values and principles. Think of the client you don't want to offend or the VP who treats you and rest of the staff as part of her fiefdom.

The most precious thing that you have is your self-respect and dignity.  Others may try to strip you of it, but only you can give it away.

Viktor Frankel showed the power of this in his remarkable book, Man's Search for Meaning, where he wrote about his experience in a concentration camp during World War II. By most standards, Frankel had nothing. The Nazis had taken away all material goods, the manuscript to a book that he had been working on, his freedom, and his family. Yet he still possessed a few things that really matter, especially under such bleak circumstances. He kept his dignity, self-respect, imagination, and humanity.

I can't stand bullies--people who take advantage of a situation, such as having more stature in a community or positional authority in an organization or holding the purse strings (or in grade school, being bigger and older.) Bullies may make unreasonable demands or undermine your self-esteem. In all cases, they ignore clear boundaries. They cross the line, sometimes repeatedly. Photo by kevindooley.

When I was in kindergarten, I was walking home from school. A boy pushed me into a mud puddle. I remember my red wool sweater, knit by my mother, dirty and wet. I cried all the way home.

I've never forgotten that feeling.

There would be times as an adult when others bullied me. More often than not, I didn't say anything.  This took the form of lewd remarks in an environment hostile to women, or practical jokes that went too far. I let them strip away my dignity, by not saying anything, by not standing up for myself.

In my thirties, I started to find my voice and with that, stand up to the bullies. A few days after giving birth to my first son, with hormones raging, I received a call from the person who took over my duties at work, asking a few reasonable questions. On the second call, I realized this person wasn't going to take heed of the boundaries that I had set up for my maternity leave. I called my manager and complained. He apologized and made sure I never received another call during my leave.

Photo by Eddie~S

In my forties, in starting my own business, I ran into plenty of bullies --from clients to colleagues to business contacts.  In some cases, I had the courage to address the bully immediately. In other cases, it took longer.

Several years ago, I met with three men who were in a business partnership. One man, who didn't feel that he was being treated fairly by the other two, brought me in as a potential coach/consultant. He wanted to create a more equitable partnership. After some complimentary work, the three men got excited about what was possible in working with me. We started talking about how often to meet and when we could get started, items that would later be confirmed in a proposal.

The alpha male, the one clearly in charge, made an off-hand remark that made me uncomfortable. It was not only sexist. It was designed to strip me of my dignity, disguised as a joke. I stopped in my tracks and simply said, "I'm feeling uncomfortable and I don't want to work with you. Thank you for your time." Afterwards, the two other men called to apologize and asked me to re-consider. The offending alpha male never contacted me. I referred the other two men to a colleague.

More recently, I woke up with this internal message from my wisest self, "Be kind to yourself and to others." I realized it fit perfectly when I read an email, from a potential client, who attempted to bully me. Apparently nice people who don't get their way make the worst bullies. It's unseemly.

I was kind to myself. I gave myself permission to get smarter and disengage from working for this person. I was kind to the potential client by not lashing out, but rather saying simply, there wasn't a fit.

I used to think that standing up for myself meant that I had to get angry, like when I called my manager while on maternity leave. Now I know that holding my ground, when the line is crossed, can be done firmly and yes, with kindness, for all involved. 

How do you stand up to bullies?

Comments

[Paul C]

You express your personal journey about bullying so well and quite rightly it can take many different forms. Bullies thrive on getting people angry. If you meet them with kindness it helps to defuse their assault. I had a colleague at work who liked to bulldoze his way through meetings. Asking reasoned and pointed questions helped everyone focus on the issues. I enjoy your thoughtful posts.

[Carol Ross]

Thanks, Paul for pointing out that kindness actually makes the bully less powerful. I can imagine that many of your colleagues are appreciative of your approach to bullying during meetings.

[Octav Druta]

Philip Zimbardo talks about bullies and evil in a great post on TED blog http://bit.ly/10llgC

I believe that bullies are most of the time people that choose fear over love. “It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.” - Niccolo Machiavelli. I wrote a little something about this subject on my blog: http://bit.ly/TJtwp

[Carol Ross]

Thanks for your thoughtful comments and references, Octav. Agree that bullies choose fear over love. To be loved and to love requires vulnerability, which can be difficult for many. I can see why some choose to be feared instead. It's a perfect mask.

I also love this quote from the TED blog that you reference:

"[B]ullies may be the perpetrators of evil but it is the evil of passivity of all those who know what is happening and never intervene that perpetuates such abuse." We all have a responsibility to stop bullying when we see it.