Lessons Learned From Being Fried, Part 1

This past summer, I "hit the wall" and decided to take time off.  I gave myself one month to rejuvenate.  I fully intended to return to work to a full slate of business appointments and projects that had been waiting to be moved forward.  But things rarely go as planned. 

Instead of being back in the saddle, I slipped into a downward spiral on my second day back in the office.  At the end of the week, my sister called, asked a mundane question (one so ordinary that I can't even remember what it was) and then said, "Are you okay?  You don't sound okay."  I burst into tears. I felt worse than I had before my time off.  Photo by D'Arcy Norman

Like a battery that had been recharged one too many times, the little juice I had stored up was used quickly.  I needed more than a quick plug in the socket. I needed a new battery.

Depleted spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and now, physically,  I knew that if I didn't completely stop, my burnout would lead to illness. I was already headed in that direction.  I decided to take an extended leave of absence--three months--from my startup, My Alumni Link. 

One month after hitting bottom, here are some things I'm learning. 

• Burnout occurs when perspective and hope are lost. The late psychologist, Herbert Freudenberger, defines burn out as "the extinction of motivation or incentive, especially where one's devotion to a cause or relationship fails to produce the desired results."

It's only in hindsight that I can see the true causes of my depletion.  Two conversations stand out in my mind. 

In one, I am talking to a seasoned banker, who asks questions to assess the situation with my start-up, including whether I've invested a lot of money in the company. (I have not.)  After hearing the data, he says firmly, "Things will be alright."  Later, I send him marketing collateral, contracts and proposals, as a way to understand my sales process.  He says, "I don't know why you are concerned. This is very thorough."  The more I talked to people, the more I realized that the situation was not as dire as my monkey mind would lead me to believe. I had lost perspective on what I had accomplished and focused on what I hadn't. Photo by renaissancechambara.

In the second conversation, I am talking to a fellow entrepreneur, who has gone through her own journey of burn out. She now provides programs that address the issues of depletion and struggle for small biz owners. She asks me about My Alumni Link and I tell her about products, sales conversion rates, distribution channels and business models. She tells me, "You've done more than most clients I work with.  You've got the pieces there, it's just configuring them in a new way--a tweak here and there."  I find comfort and more importantly, hope, in her words.  It doesn't matter if she can help me.  What matters is that I believe there is another way, that doesn't require the struggle that I've experienced over the last two years.  Hope is part of the recipe for my recovery. Photo by polsifter.

• Life is not about achievement. It's about experiences. These are wise words from a longtime friend. She went on to say that if we view life as a way to gather experiences, then we can be unattached to outcomes.  How the story turns out isn't as important as the fact that we lived the story.  Through this lens of experience, nothing is good or bad.  It just is.

Author Joan Borysenko points to the downside of focusing on results: "The more attached I get to a particular outcome, the less that Life can flow through me." I think Borysenko is referring to our internal life force, the thing that makes us human and not automatons. 

A friend told me that she asks two questions when she finds herself in a tough spot, "What am I learning?" and "Who am I becoming?" Both of these questions point to the opportunity for our experiences to transform us. And they helped me to reframe my idea of failure.

• Ditch control for choice.  I went through a period of not knowing whether an innocent remark would lead to a crying jag or whether I would have enough energy for a scheduled appointment.  I could not control how I would feel from moment to moment.  But I could make the choice to stop playing the game.  Even after I decided to take a time out, I persisted in finding a way to keep the sales pipeline going for my start up--asking not just one, but several trusted family members and colleagues to stand in for me on sales calls.  It was only after I was willing to shut the business down for three months and walk away from potential revenue that I found peace.  Sure, our finances would suffer, but it was a tradeoff that my family and I could live with.

• More people than you think will support your decision. I was humbled by the response from clients, colleagues, friends, and family when I told them I was taking time off to take care of myself.  One university contact said it best in an email reply, "I hope you are back to your old self soon." Another called when she heard the news from a colleague and said compassionately, "We want and need you to get better."  And yet another revealed that he, too, had gone through his own burn out after a divorce and reassured me that I could rebound, just like he had.  My guess is that most adults have experienced aspects of depletion, some more intensely than others.  Stepping off the treadmill is neither a reason for shame nor a badge of honor. It is an aspect of our shared humanity, made visible. Photo by vvonstruen.

• Find someone who understands what you are going through.  While many people were supportive and sympathetic to my situation, this is different from having someone say, "I've been there and this is what you should know."  When I was at my most vulnerable, I needed to know that I was not alone.

Just before hitting bottom, I emailed a friend to ask for help.  Her email reply simply said, "CALL ME!"  When we talked, her first words were startling. "You are in trouble, girlfriend."  Unbeknownst to me, my friend had gone through a similar experience of burn out last year. She knew what it was like to ratchet back expectations, and the price your mind and body pay when you've overdone it.  She also knew that recovery was something that couldn't be rushed.  And she was insistent that I couldn't keep going the way I had been, without significant consequences. She took a stand for me when my Gremlins were saying, "What's wrong with you?" and calling me names like "slacker" and "wimp".

Later, my friend sent me the book, "Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive".  In a perverse way, I found comfort in hearing how the author had trouble returning emails that required anything beyond a pat response.  She had nothing left to give.  I particularly resonated with her declaration, "I just want to be left alone."  Later in the book, the author details the 12 stages of burnout, from Stage 1, Driven by an Ideal, to Stage 12, Mental and Physical Collapse.  It was as if she was talking to me and again, I didn't feel so alone.

• There's no resiliency without building up the reserves.  I had taken for granted the ability to bounce back, with just minimal time off.  It had worked in the past.  A friend pointed out that burn out is the cumulative result of neglecting oneself over time.  There's no short cut to replacing what has been lost. Photo by @MSG

Building up reserves requires an extended duration where on a daily basis, I'm putting significantly more in my tank than I'm taking out. Thinking activities needed to be tempered with time when I could give my brain a rest. On some days, this looked like an afternoon nap, not answering email, and going on a low information diet. On other days, it meant reading on the patio, puttering in the garden and a walk after dinner.  After weeks of this routine, I felt real progress.

• Pay yourself first. This is a saying that encourages stashing away savings after getting a paycheck.  It also applies to how you allocate your energy.  In the past, I've had more than enough energy to freely give it away to others--for a networking meeting to get to know someone better, to provide advice on a business idea, to talk about a thorny career issue.  Normally, this type of giving of attention and expertise is fun and rewarding.  But when I was struggling to make it through the day, giving to others--even fifteen minutes on the phone--was energy that I needed for myself. Photo by bigburpsx3

I'm learning to say no more, when yes would have been the default. It's still not easy, but I've come to see how precious one's life force is, how it can be snuffed out while no one's looking, and what it takes to rekindle it. Complete rest, like an exhale after holding your breath for far too long, is the first step.  That initial rest gave me the energy to work on re-shaping my life.

In my next post, I'll talk about the road back to joy. 

Comments

[Katrina]

Oh how things work out! This morning I was wallowing in my burnoutedness. I was looking into career changing and looking up engineering. I found a site discussing engineering with a little advertisement on the side for a small college boasting, " we have lifetime career placement". I thought that I should check out my school's lifetime career benefits - and on the page I found you! I proceeded to click on the link for your blog, and it was like the get-back-on-your-feet gods sent me! The very first entry is so very relevant for me - right now, in this moment! How coincidental is that?! Thank you for this post. If you have only helped one person today, know that you have helped me! I will definitely check back to read all about your road back to joy. I'm just hoping to find that road for now, let alone traveling down it. Thank you!

[carolross]

Katrina--I'm so glad that writing about my experience with burn out has helped you. Thank you for the gift of that feedback. I had been working on this post for over a week. Hearing the timing of how you found me, I'm glad I hit the publish button when I did.

Your comments have also prompted me to make an addition to the original post, as a nod to all the support that I've gotten from clients, colleagues, friends and family over the summer. We are never alone.

[Marc Miller]

About a year ago, my blood pressure was up, the stress levels were horrendous and then I was put in a highly unethical position at work. I went back to my psychologist, talked to my friends and looked for an answer. About this time, I had a dear friend collapsed with a massive heart attach while riding his bicycle. My friend was in remarkable condition for anyone much less a 68 year old athlete. Within a minute of him collapsing on his bicycle, someone stopped their car, got out and started CPR. My friend was dead for 10 minutes. Yes, 10 MINUTES before EMS was able to get a heart beat.

After a quadruple bypass he is back to normal with no brain damage. This was all because a complete stranger got out and did a life saving procedure within a minute of him collapsing.

That stranger walked away. We have no idea who is was. This was a clear message to me that life is too short.

At that point I decided to accelerate my business plans and quit my job. Life is too short. The stress and the environment got to me and I chose not to take it any longer. Therefore, I chose to get off. It is a choice but the problem is we often do not see it as a choice.

It took me a good 3-4 months before I felt well again. We all have to pay attention to the signs of burnout. I am running at much slower pace now and being mindful of taking care of myself, something I have not done a good job of doing in the past.

Carol thank you for sharing!!

[Ellen Ingraham]

Hi Carol, I am thinking that what you are describing is totally a part of the entrepreneurship journey. Since you are writing from your heart, many will resonate with you and many will be helped. I may even mention that you helped me through several of these valleys when we worked together at A Bigger Voice and the Networking Naturally Program. Because you are able to feel it, analyze it and document this experience so well, I would not be surprised if you help and inspire many more by incorporating it into your arsenal of how to help others find their purpose and vision through story. Love and miss - Ellen

[Laurel Bailey]

Carol, you are a brave and honest woman. Writing this has probably already helped a number of people, in addition to how it may have helped you to express your struggle. Do what you need to do. You will be stronger for it. All the best to you.

[carolross]

Mark--thanks for your own story of burnout and wake-up calls. The most powerful gestures can be the kindness of strangers. Your point about choice is so true--it's easy for our minds to go to "shoulds" and "musts" when in reality it's about tradeoffs and choices.

Thanks, Ellen, for all your support over the last few years. I appreciate it.

Laurel--Thanks for the kind words. I'm not sure that this experience has made me stronger. Rather, it's opened my eyes to what will be life-giving to me going forward. I'm still working on the idea that life is about experience, not achievement.

[Hanna Cooper]

Carol, it's good to hear your voice again here. I've gone through my own experience of fried this summer, brought to light by unexpected health issues. Looking back, I can similarly see what the signposts were that I ignored. Finding the elusive "balance" in our lives is an ever present and ever changing need. I cheer you on in your transparency about your experience, and modeling the way!

[carolross]

Hanna--glad that we can reconnect through this post. Sorry to hear about your own experience with burnout, especially when its accompanied by health issues. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself. Balance is indeed ever changing. I've found that balance looks very different when the reserves are still being built up.

[MJ]

Fried (the book) is helping me right now - I bought it upon reading this column and it is great. 10 years into a line of work I never wanted to go into (and only barely tolerate) has me up against the wall - to the point where I'm starting to think that being fired or sued for malpractice and disbarred would be great, because someone would make the choice to cut the cord for me, and without me. Bleargh. I'll survive, mainly because advice and acknowledgements are out there that we CAN survive because others have been there too.

[carolross]

MJ--so glad that the book recommendation is helpful!

I have worked with clients who are approaching burnout from their job. One of the questions that I ask is whether a leave of absence is feasible--in terms of company policy and personal finances. I've found that when my reserves are depleted, it's a horrible space for effective problem-solving. I can't see myself through to a good solution. So the first priority is to fill up the reserves, which often means extended time off.

You may also want to read the post, "When It's Time to Fire Yourself", published on Oct 7, 2011 on this blog.

And yes, people do survive and limp along in bad situations. But the downside is that I've seen people tolerate deadening circumstances for months or years (I was one of them) when they could be moving towards a more vibrant life.

[MJ]

Carol, if I could fire myself I would! Totally!

Leave of absence is not feasible due to workplace (if I had a legitimate physical injury they might tolerate it - mental health is for wusses here, and I'd like to leave on my own terms, not because someone took away 100% of my work for being a "weak" "girl" when I was out). I'm not even sure if it is permitted for attorneys - only support staff are allowed to have stress, grief, exhaustion, etc. Good news is that friends who went out on their own (several of them) and are surviving keep telling me that I can do it (and showing me why). I'm making plans for a life where I might have a little more control and also don't have to work at law firm levels. But if I could leave tomorrow I would too.

[carolross]

MJ--I'm glad to hear that you are making plans to move towards a better situation.

If I may offer an insight--the stories we tell ourselves determine the life we live. And at any time, we have the power to tell ourselves a different story. I think our willingness to tell a new story is the first step to overcoming fear and creating big change in our lives. I'm not saying this is easy, but I think it's a necessary step.

To give you an example, I'm moving from an old story of "my son is an introvert and needs the refuge of his family to be happy" to a new story of "my son is a college student and can be happy on his own, learning valuable skills on a new adventure". If I hold on to the old story, I'm pretty miserable as a mother. If I am willing to look at the new story, I can be at peace and feel good that he's a thousand miles away from home.

You have a current story about going out on your own vs. working for your current employer. I hope you'll take some time to explore a new story.

A great book that brings this concept home is "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years", by Donald Miller.

[MJ]

Carol, I've heard the coach talk about the stories we tell ourselves before. I'm just reporting on workplace climate. The person who admits to stress and takes a break will find him/herself in the situation as all of the part-time women who are mothers - cut out of projects and visibility. Know the repercussions before you buy them to avoid unpleasant surprises...